BPD & Me: Relocation

I’m not going to mention the you-know-what-wash-your-hands-situation but that excuses my delay in updating this website for a while.

A change in scenery.

I relocated from the South East to the North West of England.

This included a lot of packing.

I had a lot more stuff than I formerly realised.

My boyfriend had about two boxes.

It was safe to assume most of the things acquired in the moving van were down to me.

Making friends can be hard.

Even before Britain was hurled into lockdown for a trail apocalypse.

I’ve been working on launching a new mental health support group whilst working full-time as a teaching assistant before the virus hit.

The only family I have in the area is my cousin and his fiance, it’s reassuring they’re close by but again, from recent circumstances… things are changing I guess.

I was hoping to make some friends through work but I am an eccentric person individually and I’m not sure mixing business with pleasure is a good idea within council work in schools.

Stress can be a powerful motivator. It signals to our brains that we need to do something.

Mindfulness has been the most positive activity I could have ever engaged with. Practising on calm just once a day for ten minutes helps to clear the head, acknowledge and accept any emotions that arise to continue the day with a stronger attitude. This reduces the “hyper reacting” BPD is classified by.

If you’re anything like me and manage to stress sweat the night away and find horrible hives wreaking havoc on your skin, it’s probably a sign that you’ve been neglecting your responsibilities.

Therefore, I cleaned the house (including that gross layer of unidentifiable gunk that seeps between the metal hob case and the kitchen side, which I had to scrape this out with a sharp knife) since I’ll be spending so much time inside the house.

A lot of added depressive emotions and anger is directed toward the world health issue at large at the moment.

That added to an influx of constant negative news replacing the usual daily work gossip has made emotional tension high. When you spend a lot of time in the house with the same people, conflicts can arise. It’s staying respectful and having clear boundaries which help.

But BPD can be a little unforgiving. We are good at setting boundaries, not at adhering to them. My tone is demanding and as a person, I am far more concerned with other people’s problems than my own which leads to criticising others when my own sense of self needs reflection for behavioural improvement.

Mentor – Clear Links

I had started to see a weekly mental health mentor who is a trained counsellour and meets me in a public place (I always choose libraries) to discuss support academically and regarding mental health. She was lovely, young and very open which I liked. I was glad it was a woman. Not to be biased, I’m sure others feel the same way, sometimes it’s easier to open up people you identify with.

Not too long ago, she pulled out of the mentorship sessions altogether. The travel to come to see me was too much for her (it took too long and she was self-employed).

Now, after the emergence of an epidemic, Clear Links have announced online sessions only. The irony is there. I’m waiting to be reassigned a therapist.

This has put a suspension on the expansion and running of Mind Space UK. We’re offering online support as an alternative until the storm calms.

For any regular, mentally stable, human suffering a prolonged period of social isolation, economic uncertainty and anxiety over the health of those they care for can cause emotional stress. The money worries, panic buying, employment prospects, NHS burdens…

Add that to diagnosed mental health illness which heightens emotional sensitivity under relatively normal circumstances and you’ve got yourself a party that nobody wants to attend.

I imagine the psychiatric assessment I was due will have to be done over the phone now. Best get in touch.

I did read somewhere that people living with anxiety (I can only assume due to the constant fight or flight response) are coping with the idea of mass panic much better than expected… as if a lifetime of over-compensating and imagining the worst outcomes prepared us better for the literal worst outcome. Silver linings.

Missing family, friends, social connection. However, when in touch with all of those areas I can still feel unfulfilled. A constant state of emotional turbulence. You keep calm in situations you expect to make you meltdown and stay searing stressed in those that should feel easy.

As a great unknown person once said, BPD is like being an emotional burns victim. Your skin is covered in raw sensitive flesh at the slightest touch it feels agony.

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